Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
