ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
