it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
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We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The air was thick with penises
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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