she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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