It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
