So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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