someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
