Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
