My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
