maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's official drugs can't kill me
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It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
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I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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