but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
