watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
