So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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