Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
