So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My penis needs a shock collar
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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