Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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