my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
