I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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