was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
