I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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