Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
