Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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