wakey wakey hands off snakey
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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