so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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