Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i out mim tonsoeep
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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