I think I died a long time ago.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
