Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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