he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
