U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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