Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
