i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
