i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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