respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.