If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
