fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!