I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
