...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
