I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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