smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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