watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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