She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
