You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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