It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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