Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
