I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
