Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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