Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
