quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
