Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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