I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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