so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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