I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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