Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
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I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
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Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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