he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
