The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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