I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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