So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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