I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
