cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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