He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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