Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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