So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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