i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
